Into The Belly of the Beast

I knew something was up when My Master and I arrived at My Nemesis' house, and he was packing bags. Apparently his birthday was fast approaching, and it had been decided that we were all going to Minneapolis to celebrate.

I thoroughly enjoy how I am constantly made to travel like this. I'm the one with chapter deadlines. My agent calls me incessantly about my screenplays. No, Ari, I won't change the lead actors' sexual orientation just because Ben Affleck says he's not into playing gay men on screen. That's his problem, not mine. His work as of late (?) have been sub-par, anyway. The studio must be trying to save money, which I find humorous, considering how little I got paid for my screenplay.

At any rate, the fact that I'm busy and behind schedule never seems to bother My Master or My Nemesis. We pile into My Nemesis' car - a small mid-90s Saturn with non-functional AC that is loud as all outdoors - and began the ride back to Minneapolis. They both called the ride "quick and problem free," which made me snort, loudly, more than once. Until you've had Beluga Caviar off Tyra Banks' ass at 30,000 feet in the Concord, rides are neither fast, nor problem free. Especially when there is no air conditioning, and I am forced to listen to air rush by at 75mph. So uncouth, practically barbaric conditions, really. Not even the offer of a single-malt Speyside or small-batch Bourbon to quell my discomfort. BUT, I digress. I need to remain humble. Not everyone went to Julliard. Not everyone was published by age 2 (dog years, may I remind you). It's nearly impossible for a coat to be as glossy as mine.

Once we arrived, my mood improved significantly. My accommodations for the weekend appeared quite nice. I learned that My Nemesis has a sister, and that she has a small but nice home in a quiet suburb outside of Minneapolis. My companions and I took the large room on the second floor. The bed was much larger than what I am used to, and at last, we had air conditioning. I was also quite surprised by My Nemesis' cat. He is quite hoary, with wispy gray and white hair, and huge pale green eyes. He's larger than me, but I imagine I'd best him in a footrace, due to his advanced age and frail haunches. He was quite chipper for his age, though, we had a short humorous discussion about My Nemesis, both agreeing he is generally an idiot, but lovable at the same time.

My Master and Nemesis told me they had a full weekend of plans, of which, as usual, I was not allowed to be part of. Normally, this would bother me, even though I am used to such treatment. This weekend, however, I was actually happy to be left alone, as I had two chapters of my novel to outline and draft, and had to be on call all weekend in case my cousin Jorge needed me to talk to our cousin Juan about the condo deal in S Florida. Our business plan is foolproof, yet Juan still has wet feet. If he pulls his third out, the bank won't provide financing, so I need to be available. My retirement is hinging on this.

My weekend fling

This weekend I fell in love with a woman. She came to pick me up at my apartment on Saturday night. I never imagined that I would be so lucky. Right away there was something about her, she allowed me to lick her thoroughly and seemed to enjoy every second of it. We arrived at the post part of Lollapalooza in Wicker Park where my Nemesis lives. The party consisted of males that were playing all different genres of electronic music and drinking their crappy beer and trying to push it on me by sticking their fingers in their bottles and letting me lick their hands.  Soon the drunken guys left the apartment and I was left alone with my woman. I heard my Master say that I might want to sleep with her, my lovely woman seemed more than happy to accommodate.

The evening was all that I could have expected, I spent every moment curled up in her body, licking her every chance I could get. When the party arrived back I went to sleep with my Master for awhile, but as soon as I thought that she was sound asleep I tip toed lightly with my paws back into area where my woman was staying. My Nemesis always sleeps with my master anyway, I do not see the harm in a night away once in awhile. The sleep was wonderful, the cuddling and licking was great. The next  morning was not awkward at all and I slipped away into my Master's sleeping area as soon as my woman left. I write this now hoping I see her once more, in the meantime I will take care to master my licking techniques and keep my fur smelling of the Doritos and sweaty socks smell that attracted her.

Hangovers

This morning I awoke to my Master's brother talking about how he would rather jump out of the window then go to the bathroom. Some people just do not know when enough is enough.

So, french fries...

Tonight I was sitting home writing my novel,  it was a beautiful summer evening but I not feel like going out on the giant city of Chicago this evening. I am here to write my novel, and to discover all that this great city has to offer. . I had visited Jorge earlier (my little nephew, he lives in Humboldt Park) and decided to call it an early night. I had invested in cleaning my paws for awhile to ready them for writing the new mystery novel I had started writing recently. I will not drone on about my novel, it is in the early stages of construction. Just as I had settled down with my scotch on the rocks and a Cuban Cigar my cousin Frederico had given me, My Master came stumbling in the apartment with her brother. Based on the stench of keg beer and the unruly way in which they entered my apartment, I knew that I was not going to get any more work done on my novel this evening. I quick put away my materials, lapped the remnants of my scotch and was grabbed and stuffed into a bag of sorts.

Now, I have had several moments where My Master and her brother seem to think that they need to stuff me in a bag to bring me out in the public. I often hear them refer to it as "bagging me" which I find quite insulting. The only way I will even slightly tolerate this bagging nonsense is if there are bacon bits in the bottom of the bag, which this evening they were not.  I thought maybe things would be different in Chicago, but as the act of "bagging" continued I knew that I was going to have to put my paw down once and for all with this nonsense. I struggled to get out of the bag and succeeded. As I looked around I realized that I was in a taxi cab, and we were headed towards Wicker Park. The cab smelt of the cologne my brother Pedro would wear to impress his lady friends. I constantly told Pedro that no respectable lady would enjoy the scent of pine trees and lost dreams. The ripe smell of an asshole fresh after my morning poop is the scent that most females from my homeland of Chihuahua are attracted to. Pedro is trying to compensate as usual.  Nobody in the taxi made any sense, My Nemesis was in front, Master, her brother,  and I in back. I have never seen My Nemesis so drunk before, apparently he had reached his limit for once.

We were dropped off around Ashland and Division, right next to My Nemesis's apartment. I assumed we were just going to go home and go to bed, but instead we walked into a place with a bright yellow sign with blinking lights called "Super Sub." I was surprised to be invited into such an establishment given my history as being a sort of scavenger I am not usually allowed to frequent these areas. My Nemesis ordered a bunch of food, and I struggled to get out of My Master's arms. Finally after a few minutes of  struggle I was free. The place was full of vagrants, what looked like members of the mafia, and a few token loud belligerent fat black ladies. Once I started darting around the place scoping out the food that people had placed on the ground for the likes of me, people began to get excited about my furry body being part of their drunken adventure. In the spirit of the times, people began throwing french fries to me left and right. The salt on the fries and the joy of the people gave me an excitement that I have never experienced before. I felt crazed and out of control, I felt like nothing could bring me down from this high. We left hastily after our food was ready.

The aftermath of my adventure this evening resulted in several people passing out, I am still wired from my french fries. I am wondering where I can get more of these delectable treats. I hope my experiences with Super Sub will not be limited to this one evening. I am about to go to sleep, it is late, and the battery on my small portable lap top is almost dead.