Don't Try

I am adrift in an existential mire. Per my last entry, I've increasingly found myself under fire for deadlines on my screenplays, to the point of a near inability to tolerate the creative process. For the first time in my life, I've considered returning to the humdrum of currency markets and financial analysis. I've just been so taken aback by the reality of writing and the demands of Hollywood

I've also as of late found myself increasingly turning to my cousin, Pedro for solace, which usually leads to me watching the sun rise and waking up the next day smelling like breakfast burritos from The Hollywood Grill (no relation to my current issues, they're open all night and breezies frequent the establishment from 2-5am). This, obviously, is not good, but I feel I'm in a truly blue period right now, and Pedro is helping, in his own way. His ever optimistic spirit helps pull me up when I need it, even if it's only to down another shot of Patron.

It's times like this when I turn to my tried and true quote book. I found a particular quote in there today that is quite demonstrative of my situation, and lends advice.

"Somebody at one of these places...asked me: "What do you do? How do you write, create?" You don't, I told them, you don't try. That's very important: not to try, either for Cadillacs, creation, or immortality. You wait, and if nothing happens, you wait some more. It's like a bug high on the wall. You wait for it to come to you. When it gets close enough you reach out, slap out and kill it, or if you like its looks, you make a pet out of it." - Charles Bukowski

I remember dropping my coffee the first time I read this passage. As I sit here now, tired, overwhelmed, and under stimulated, its meaning has never been more lucid to me. I am who I am. There is only one of me, and as such, I need to keep on keeping on. I must. It's for the best, not only for me, but for those around me.

To this end, I've started therapy. As My Master so often says "Smokey has a lot of issues today." Today, my friends, is everyday. And, as I look a month back at my 42nd birthday, it's about time I tackle the issues that are still, to this day, keeping me from truly self-actualizing. I am an artist, a sensualist, and a hopeless romantic. I need to confront my darkest depths if I'm going to continue my ascent towards the stars.

Here is a picture of me in therapy. My therapist uses animal avatars sometimes, when it's too hard for me to talk about my own issues. I think I chose a nice one. This is really helping, I'm sure of that already.