Thanksgiving2010

As I am writing this I am stuffed so full that I needed to unbutton my tuxedo suit a notch. I had more than my fair share of treats this weekend of family overload, the treats are what I am most thankful for. I was accosted into the barbaric state known as Wisconsin for this holiday, which at first I dreaded. Previous trips have developed my distaste for this state of cheese (which I never seem to encounter).

We drove to Oshkosh at my grandparents on Wednesday. Our first night was quite tame, my perch was established on the couch, and I would say that was the climax of the night, riveting, I know.

The next day we all piled in the already crowded car and drove north to a place called Sturgeon Bay in Door County, WI. I observed that we made one quick stop at a tavern about two minutes away from the cabin, it seemed as if My Nemesis has not been properly potty trained. This does not surprise me, but evokes a snide giggle in my furry chest, as there always seems to be a fuss about my outdoor bathroom habits. As I strolled into the cabin, my hopes and expectations of WI were exceeded immensely.

I could smell succulent turkey vapors rising from the oven. Sausage wrapped in bacon, fried cheese olives, creamy mashed potatoes were all amongst other treats that I would be lucky enough to sample. The host whose name was Pete, and his daughter were very gracious. I have never had so much turkey in my entire life. Food was being thrown from all corners. I had to stay quick on my paws to catch all of the bits that were flying like saucers through the air toward my general direction.

There was a giant hot tub in the living room which was a cause for concern. No, I did not bring my swimming suit, as I have never been a huge fan of water. Living by the Gulf Coast was pure torture for me. At one point someone had a stroke of genius, instead of letting Smokey in the hot tub, we should let him use the Nesco Roaster. I had never heard of this contraption prior to my outing, but from the sound of it, the device was filled with hot grease from remnants of the turkey. This is the exact kind of hot tub I want to one day install in my penthouse in New York city once it is done being built, filled with steaming hot grease and gravy. Although the idea of the Nesco was suggested, people were too inebriated to follow through on the plan, part of the Wisconsin experience I suppose.

The day wore on and turned into the dark evening on Lake Michigan, I noticed rum being consumed in massive amounts as well as Oktoberfest beer. I needed to be on patrol for food most of the night, which was fine, this gave me a chance to relax. My novel has been at a standstill, inspiration has been weak in these dark, long, winter days.

The next day after a great breakfast of ham and eggs, I fell into a limp, deep, slumber for most of the day. We traveled to my Uncle Matt's in Milwaukee later that evening.

I was slightly offended by some words of my breath being less than fresh. Later that evening after everyone had gone out and once again left me to peril in the cold unfurnished box Uncle Matt calls a home, I saw a gift shimmering on the table. This time he had left out breath mints for me, with ease I jumped up and ate at least 20 since my breath had been such a cause for concern earlier in the evening ( I can take a hint, the suggestion was anything but subtle).

I enjoyed the mints, although I had some trouble separating the plastic from them, and spent most of my time laying on the comfortable bed that my Uncle Matt had set up for me there. All in all, the weekend was a success, I ate more turkey than anyone else in the house, and slept like a King. The vacation was good, now back to Chicago, and back to the grueling business of being a man with too many responsibilities.

Rats V Coyotes

As a supporter of the arts and humanities in all their forms, I am a frequent reader of the news. While journalism may not be literary criticism, novel length fiction, or epic poetry, it is a very accessible form of literature, and I give its due whenever I can. It perturbs me that the news is increasingly found online and not in print these days, but as a concurrent supporter of a clean environment, I sadly resign myself to using my iPup more and more often to keep current on the events of the day.

I have also tried, since moving to Chicago, to keep up with local news. My Master still has her subscription to Texas Monthly, so I feel I am still getting a good overview of the news from my former home. And, my 300 cousins keep me abreast of happenings in my native Chihuahua, which pleases me. I have been trying, though to add as many local new sources to my daily Google Reader feed.

The other day, I came across this, and nearly spit my coffee all over my iPup screen:

Coyotes Run Wild in Downtown Chicago

I performed more research, and found this was no new thing; Coyotes apparently have been living in the city for some time, and appear to be thriving. I thought to myself, where's the Road Runner?. ...But I digress.

I am truly torn. Part of me wants to implore them to leave the cold concrete of the city, and escape to the country, to be free. I say this, then think back to my own recent experience with country living (and eating), and I shy away from such recommendations, even if the Coyote is better suited to such an environment.

After much thought and consideration, I issue this open letter to the officials of the City of Chicago:

Dear Dick Daley,

You can contact me for negotiations. As a fellow mammal, I too feel that there are an overabundance of us in the city of Chicago. There is no need for murder, we can work something out. My size and intellect make me a perfect liaison. I have considerable experience with the process of Mammalian meta-cognition, as well a strong affinity for those who travel in a pack. Coyotes, as I have been reading, have a somewhat unique social structure, such that they alienate those individuals who disrupt the overall cohesion of the pack. Although I've only performed a cursory examination at this point, this exclusionary behavior towards trouble makers seems to be the vector of the influx of Coyotes to the urban landscape.

My ancestors used to run wild in packs in the mountains of Chihuahua until we found it more useful to live in houses and use the human for free rent and food. This gave me substantial experience with the mentality of the Pack, and how to spot and deal with agitators within such a group. Simply kicking them out is not the answer. At minimum, this breeds broke homes, and family disunity. It must stop! Perhaps your species needs to take a step back and reconsider its social order, and ultimately move towards taking advantage of humans, as we Chihuahuas have done, and mastered might I add.

These are all details we can flesh out if you decide to retain my services. I have my J.D. and have recently passed the bar in Illinois. With plenty of court experience, I will fulfill your goals as a client, and hopefully we can come to an satisfactory agreement outside of court. My experience with Alternative Dispute Resolution is well known. I can help you, and am willing to, if my services are retained by your group.

Warm Regards,

Smokenstein X. McGothlin, esq.

Let us fellow mammals unite and learn to take advantage of the humans. You all know how to reach me, I will be waiting to hear from you. Pedro, we are still on for drinks later tonight, I need to finish this screen play, my agent has been on my back.

Debunked

The vast explosion missile in the sky off of the California coast, you can all stop wondering what it is. It was a space shuttle full of Chihuahua's going to conquer and settle in new territory that I have been investigating for years. A planet full of peanut butter chewies and all of the chocolate covered bacon one can eat. Plus, Chihuahua's can eat the chocolate without throwing up or having diarrhea.

Actually, that is what I dreamt last night. I woke up next to some ripe smelling feet under the blankets, ate my breakfast and started work on my mystery novel. Deals with the screen play are inching along. Some have requested that I give some of the details of my projects away. In time my friends, in time.

CTA Etiquette from the Master of Social Graces

I do not frequent the CTA, and when I do unfortunately it is on the blue line. I have a 2010 335d Sedan BMW in a platinum gray metallic, but it is currently being worked on in the shop. So this forced me to take the dreaded train as I had to go visit my cousin about the housing trust we are working on.

Being a furry creature, and small, I tend to be unnoticed on the train. But I do notice all of you other disgusting creatures, some of you who will not even budge over on your seat when the train is entirely full of people, forcing me to stand on my four strong and supple legs.

The main point I would like to address here is that we all have to share this vehicle of germs, ungodly smells and scents (pungunt puke and your awful choices of cologne/perfume, whatever happened to the simple smell of dirty socks?) So when you people sneeze, could you please sneeze into your fur, not in your paw?

When you sneeze into your paw you will not get rid of your germs. Rather, you will spread them evenly with your unfurry paws on door knobs and other dirty objects that you touch as you go about your day. I know all the specifications about this, I can sneeze on all of you because I cannot hold my paw up to my mouth and cover it (or at least that is what you think), and it is one of my best defense mechanisms.

I know there is nothing better than the delight of spraying your wet snot and salivia into someone else's shocked face, or leaving your waste and excrement in public, trust me. I am a ten lb chihuahua though, and I am granted the right to do otherwise disgusting acts because my charming good looks make up for it. Your looks do not, you nasty larger than life human beings.