As a supporter of the arts and humanities in all their forms, I am a frequent reader of the news. While journalism may not be literary criticism, novel length fiction, or epic poetry, it is a very accessible form of literature, and I give its due whenever I can. It perturbs me that the news is increasingly found online and not in print these days, but as a concurrent supporter of a clean environment, I sadly resign myself to using my iPup more and more often to keep current on the events of the day.
I have also tried, since moving to Chicago, to keep up with local news. My Master still has her subscription to Texas Monthly, so I feel I am still getting a good overview of the news from my former home. And, my 300 cousins keep me abreast of happenings in my native Chihuahua, which pleases me. I have been trying, though to add as many local new sources to my daily Google Reader feed.
The other day, I came across this, and nearly spit my coffee all over my iPup screen:
Coyotes Run Wild in Downtown Chicago
I performed more research, and found this was no new thing; Coyotes apparently have been living in the city for some time, and appear to be thriving. I thought to myself, where's the Road Runner?. ...But I digress.
I am truly torn. Part of me wants to implore them to leave the cold concrete of the city, and escape to the country, to be free. I say this, then think back to my own recent experience with country living (and eating), and I shy away from such recommendations, even if the Coyote is better suited to such an environment.
After much thought and consideration, I issue this open letter to the officials of the City of Chicago:
Dear Dick Daley,
You can contact me for negotiations. As a fellow mammal, I too feel that there are an overabundance of us in the city of Chicago. There is no need for murder, we can work something out. My size and intellect make me a perfect liaison. I have considerable experience with the process of Mammalian meta-cognition, as well a strong affinity for those who travel in a pack. Coyotes, as I have been reading, have a somewhat unique social structure, such that they alienate those individuals who disrupt the overall cohesion of the pack. Although I've only performed a cursory examination at this point, this exclusionary behavior towards trouble makers seems to be the vector of the influx of Coyotes to the urban landscape.
My ancestors used to run wild in packs in the mountains of Chihuahua until we found it more useful to live in houses and use the human for free rent and food. This gave me substantial experience with the mentality of the Pack, and how to spot and deal with agitators within such a group. Simply kicking them out is not the answer. At minimum, this breeds broke homes, and family disunity. It must stop! Perhaps your species needs to take a step back and reconsider its social order, and ultimately move towards taking advantage of humans, as we Chihuahuas have done, and mastered might I add.
These are all details we can flesh out if you decide to retain my services. I have my J.D. and have recently passed the bar in Illinois. With plenty of court experience, I will fulfill your goals as a client, and hopefully we can come to an satisfactory agreement outside of court. My experience with Alternative Dispute Resolution is well known. I can help you, and am willing to, if my services are retained by your group.
Warm Regards,
Smokenstein X. McGothlin, esq.
Let us fellow mammals unite and learn to take advantage of the humans. You all know how to reach me, I will be waiting to hear from you. Pedro, we are still on for drinks later tonight, I need to finish this screen play, my agent has been on my back.
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