I have found it. Finally. After looking long and hard, I have found the perfect sleeping scenario. It has taken me many a moon, but at long last I’ve found it.
Tempurpedic, you say? Yes, the Swedes can make a nice mattress, but after owning their flagship mattress in a California King size (I always have room for a few friends) in the early part of the last decade, it’s just not for me. A Sleep Number bed? I don’t think so. I do find myself, on long roadtrips through My Master’s home state, listening to AM radio, and yes I hear many commercials during breaks in the rancorous hate-mongering of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. But, my cousin Pedro had one of those, and we actually popped one of the air chambers after a rawkus night of super modeling and tamales, so I can’t fully endorse that brand, either.
But, my friends (mostly the ladies), therein lies the secret. A perfect night’s sleep doesn’t require a special Swedish air-filled radio mattress. Don’t be fooled by advertisements! The perfect nights’ sleep can be had anywhere! You might be surprised to hear me say this, but don’t be. After all, I’m a baby puppy, and if there’s anything I know about, beyond international political economy, currency trading, and young adult screenplays, it’s how to ensure I get good sleep. How else can I maintain this glossy coat, or keep the wrinkles under my darling brown eyes to a minimum?
So, now you’re all asking, “My dear Smokenstein, what is your secret?”
I thought long and hard about publishing this. I have come to the conclusion, which I’m comfortable with, that I should ideally include this as an aside in my upcoming screenplay. It’s one of those secrets that merits disclosure, but I’d like it to be only known to those who are, as My Nemesis (the ass) says from time to time “down with it.” As My Master and Nemesis have spies everywhere, who no doubt read this blog, and report back my thoughts, plans, and desires, to be used against me. But it doesn’t matter, here’s why.
The perfect sleeping position is a complicated thing. There are many factors to consider: the number of layers of blankets and each blankets’ thickness; the temperature of the ambient air in the room; is my little head covered or not; whether or not to leave feet out; to name a few. THAT is the conventional wisdom, and it’s all wrong!
It always starts the same. My Master and Nemesis go to bed, and I dutifully climb down to the bottom of the bed, under the sheets, and lick feet. It’s a guilty pleasure, I don’t expect you to understand it. I am who I am. As soon as they are asleep, and it doesn’t take long, especially for My Nemesis, the buffoon, I climb back out. This is the true secret. I climb back out, and I proceed to lay between them. Now, you’re asking yourself, “between them? This doesn’t make any sense at all.”
Oh but my friends, it does, and therein lies the secret. The fact that nobody believes me is the best part. As described above, the blanketing is very important. I cannot stress this enough. Although I am small, I have a surprisingly complex internal temperature regulating system, it makes for problems unless everything is just so. I have tried 800+ goose down comforters, I have tried sleeping bags. I have used 5 layers of 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. I have even tried electric blankets. Although each has its place the game of life, none are perfect. This is when I realized that if I correctly position myself, I don’t need any of it! The heat given off by My Master and Nemesis is in itself the perfect solution. Their combined bodyheat (mostly My Nemesis, jagoff) is stifling, but this is why laying between them is so important. By laying between them I am able to get the best of both worlds; their blazing combined heat warms me to my little puppy core, and it is immediately dissipated because I have nothing covering me. I am truly in the valley of the sleep gods. Although it worries me sometimes, being so close to the ass of My Nemesis, who is known to drop what he affectionately (jagoff) refers to as ‘bombs’ during the night, I have thus far remained unscathed, and I grow more and more confident each night. Now, this no doubt infuriates My Master and Nemesis, as I am basically stealing their covers, which their cold hairless bodies depend upon for warmth, but seeing as I’m the baby puppy in the room, I think I deserve a little more.
And, I am clearly getting it. Night in and night out.
So, there. I, Smokenstein X. H. McGothlin have shared one of my most closely guarded secrets. All you non baby puppies need to do now is find two creatures approximately 10x your size, and the bed they sleep in, and you too can have the best nights’ sleep of your life, each and every night.
#483
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