1.) To lick feet on a daily basis, to expand my clientele of lickees. I do not discriminate.
2.) To fine tune details of my plan of ruling the world, starting with running for Mayor of Chicago.
3.) Drop the 5 lbs I gained over Christmas, I am joining a cross-fit gym.
4.) Ride the train less often (once was enough, I own a Bentley Limo, why am I subjected to ride with you other lower caste members of society).
5.) Finish my mystery novel.
6.) Write more screenplays of the horror genre.
7.) Sleep with at least 20 different ladies, I want to beat my 2010 record.
8.) To grow a white beard, it is in it's beginning stages.
9.) Find a way to bite My Nemesis's forehead and make it bleed.
10.) To make the ladies drool and men jealous of my crunk cup.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas
Enough said. I achieved the five lb gain that most of you humans gain from the holidays. I traveled to Wisconsin and stayed with my Uncle Matt in his cold ice box. He left my food out so I was able to eat most of it in one night. This caused unsatisfactory conditions for my bladder, but luckily Uncle Matt was nice enough to leave a curtain in which I could slip into a separate area of the house and relieve myself.
I must boast that i received the most presents out of everyone including My Master. Among these treasures was a new tuxedo. I will wear it out for New Year's Eve to impress the ladies, not like I have to try hard to do that.
My holiday was successful, sleeping, turkey, and perch life. I look forward to my New Year's Eve plans. I am ready for the year 2011.
I must boast that i received the most presents out of everyone including My Master. Among these treasures was a new tuxedo. I will wear it out for New Year's Eve to impress the ladies, not like I have to try hard to do that.
My holiday was successful, sleeping, turkey, and perch life. I look forward to my New Year's Eve plans. I am ready for the year 2011.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Ladies Man
Many men envy what power I have over women. I am always the man at the party everyone else wants to be. I always have bunches of women circled around me admiring my handsome figure and my good disposition. I can get any girl in the sack that I want. Rich, poor, tall, short, red hair, brunette, big back side, supple front side, if they are drunk all the easier, but sober works as well, it does not matter. I can have them all.
To all you sorry human beings, you may be in luck. Discouraged, pitiful, ape like, clueless human being men, I am working with my manager to set up a work shop to teach men some of my secrets. You will obtain the power to be a diamond in the rough, like myself. Classes will start at 20,000 per class. My techniques do not come cheap, and they require diligence and fierce attention to detail. My scent of socks and pan fish does not come easy.
I guarantee results to a certain degree, but I can not guarantee that women will find you as irresistible as I. My scent, handsome fur, striking brown eyes, sharp tongue, and full lips are enough to drive women mad.
Contact my cousin/ manager Pedro for further inquires.
To all you sorry human beings, you may be in luck. Discouraged, pitiful, ape like, clueless human being men, I am working with my manager to set up a work shop to teach men some of my secrets. You will obtain the power to be a diamond in the rough, like myself. Classes will start at 20,000 per class. My techniques do not come cheap, and they require diligence and fierce attention to detail. My scent of socks and pan fish does not come easy.
I guarantee results to a certain degree, but I can not guarantee that women will find you as irresistible as I. My scent, handsome fur, striking brown eyes, sharp tongue, and full lips are enough to drive women mad.
Contact my cousin/ manager Pedro for further inquires.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Spies in the Second City
My past may have finally caught up with me.
I have noticed a few things as of late that disturb me and may be reason for alarm. I am starting to fear my safety, being a man of my stature it is a given that there are high security risks involved with my safety and well being. I have been hunted for years, why do you think I wear such a crafty disguise?
Anyway, I think that I am being tracked by spies that I used to work for in my dealings with Interpol. My current job requires that I make some lets just say, "unsavory decisions" that may or may not affect large populations in countries that hold interests of value to my company.
The other night I woke up startled and in a sweat,something was wrong, I was choking to death. Let me explain in more depth.
My Nemesis has this blanket that he absolutely adores, I find it quite ridiculous. He has several homosexual men named the "New Kids On the Block" which I am assuming they named their group after realizing they were all homosexual. The blanket looks like it is from the 1940's which explains the code name "New Kids on the Block." There are long strings hanging from the blanket because it is so old. I never used to question this, I could spend eons trying to figure out the crazy antics of My Nemesis but I try not to waste my brains cells on what I find to be ape like behaviors.
I was dreaming peacefully and then I felt as though my air way was being blocked, I woke up instantly choking, disoriented. A string from the blanket was around my furry neck, the more I tried to get out of the string, the tighter it pulled around my neck.
Clever.
I have also used devices such as the Chinese Finger trap on detainees during interrogation. Finally after screaming at the top of my lungs I was assisted out of the knot. I found it strange that it took so long for My Nemesis who was closest to me to wake and help me.
I have also noticed other strange things. I have several animal toys that My Master has given me to practice torture and biting techniques upon. Lately I feel as if these animals are sneering at me. I wake up and I find them sleeping closely by me even though when I fell asleep they were across the room.
I cannot logically explain these happenings, but I am aware now that I may not be safe. I have had to move several times now, and it is only time before it will be unsafe for me in Chicago.
I will report more as information develops.
Over and Out,
SmokenStein.
I have noticed a few things as of late that disturb me and may be reason for alarm. I am starting to fear my safety, being a man of my stature it is a given that there are high security risks involved with my safety and well being. I have been hunted for years, why do you think I wear such a crafty disguise?
Anyway, I think that I am being tracked by spies that I used to work for in my dealings with Interpol. My current job requires that I make some lets just say, "unsavory decisions" that may or may not affect large populations in countries that hold interests of value to my company.
The other night I woke up startled and in a sweat,something was wrong, I was choking to death. Let me explain in more depth.
My Nemesis has this blanket that he absolutely adores, I find it quite ridiculous. He has several homosexual men named the "New Kids On the Block" which I am assuming they named their group after realizing they were all homosexual. The blanket looks like it is from the 1940's which explains the code name "New Kids on the Block." There are long strings hanging from the blanket because it is so old. I never used to question this, I could spend eons trying to figure out the crazy antics of My Nemesis but I try not to waste my brains cells on what I find to be ape like behaviors.
I was dreaming peacefully and then I felt as though my air way was being blocked, I woke up instantly choking, disoriented. A string from the blanket was around my furry neck, the more I tried to get out of the string, the tighter it pulled around my neck.
Clever.
I have also used devices such as the Chinese Finger trap on detainees during interrogation. Finally after screaming at the top of my lungs I was assisted out of the knot. I found it strange that it took so long for My Nemesis who was closest to me to wake and help me.
I have also noticed other strange things. I have several animal toys that My Master has given me to practice torture and biting techniques upon. Lately I feel as if these animals are sneering at me. I wake up and I find them sleeping closely by me even though when I fell asleep they were across the room.
I cannot logically explain these happenings, but I am aware now that I may not be safe. I have had to move several times now, and it is only time before it will be unsafe for me in Chicago.
I will report more as information develops.
Over and Out,
SmokenStein.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
On Christmas Presents
The Christmas season is spoiled for me when I realize that presents means something other than licking feet.
The Audacity of Nothingness
Unfortunately, being a four pawed fellow, I am in the same category as a sewer rat in that I cannot vote. Although I pay several lobbyists who represent my business interests on Capitol Hill, I feel deficient in my lack of voting powers.
Voting symbolizes much more than paying people to buy politicians in lieu of your interests. I can feel the valor and honor of voting every time my owner votes. Silly as she is, she has pride about her beliefs, and she is passionate about fighting for those who most need it, the poor, and the women, which are very much connected.
I do not like getting into the raunchy subject of politics much. I see Obama for what he is. A politician. He picks his battles according to what people want, but he is constantly worried about getting re-elected. Obama is notorious for bending different ways so he can get elected. Most politicians are. The difference between this being a big deal with Obama and not most politicians is that he was supposed to represent something different, change.
Our country was in the lowest point it had ever been in. Peanut butter chewies are no longer a commodity due to outsourcing and steep price hikes. What I am saying is the things that I considered to be accessible are no longer. So when the 2008 election rolled around I was just as desperate as the next to see some change. I was proud of my owner when she voted for Obama, although based on his history he seemed to have all the charm and not a lot of experience standing up to the bad guys, it was better than McCain and that awful reddish/brown q-tip on crack known as Sarah Palin.
But this is the mistake we made as Americans, and if I could vote I would vote based on who is seen on paper for fighting against the big guys like Bernanke and Greenspan, quit letting them get away with destroying our country.
Being the half man/ half furry fellow that I am, you may wonder why do I care? The answer is that my interests are just as tied up in American politics as the average human. Those tax cuts for the rich will benefit me, even though I cannot vote. It costs money to look this good, and drive the car I drive.
I believe in a leader who understands the symbolization of his actions, you stood for change in the beginning, now what...
Voting symbolizes much more than paying people to buy politicians in lieu of your interests. I can feel the valor and honor of voting every time my owner votes. Silly as she is, she has pride about her beliefs, and she is passionate about fighting for those who most need it, the poor, and the women, which are very much connected.
I do not like getting into the raunchy subject of politics much. I see Obama for what he is. A politician. He picks his battles according to what people want, but he is constantly worried about getting re-elected. Obama is notorious for bending different ways so he can get elected. Most politicians are. The difference between this being a big deal with Obama and not most politicians is that he was supposed to represent something different, change.
Our country was in the lowest point it had ever been in. Peanut butter chewies are no longer a commodity due to outsourcing and steep price hikes. What I am saying is the things that I considered to be accessible are no longer. So when the 2008 election rolled around I was just as desperate as the next to see some change. I was proud of my owner when she voted for Obama, although based on his history he seemed to have all the charm and not a lot of experience standing up to the bad guys, it was better than McCain and that awful reddish/brown q-tip on crack known as Sarah Palin.
But this is the mistake we made as Americans, and if I could vote I would vote based on who is seen on paper for fighting against the big guys like Bernanke and Greenspan, quit letting them get away with destroying our country.
Being the half man/ half furry fellow that I am, you may wonder why do I care? The answer is that my interests are just as tied up in American politics as the average human. Those tax cuts for the rich will benefit me, even though I cannot vote. It costs money to look this good, and drive the car I drive.
I believe in a leader who understands the symbolization of his actions, you stood for change in the beginning, now what...
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Snow
This is no good at all.
I'm at My Nemesis' house. There are inches upon inches of white fluffy snow on the ground, with little sign of stopping. My Master and Nemesis are still sleeping; I've been awake for two hours. I had an impromptu phone call with a former employer of mine in the UK. They apparently are thinking of expanding into the US market, and offered to retain me as their sole US representative.
I'm really torn. Yes, the income would be lovely, I'm currently beginning to notice the drain in my primary bank account, the optioning of these screenplays had better happen soon. But more so than that, I left the financial services industry, and little desire to return. But, their offer was very, very attractive. I'm still thinking about this.
The real problem, though, isn't my future in international financial advising. It's snowing. I'm a tiny baby puppy, a baby puppy who is currently at odds with his car service. I simply refuse to drive my M5 in the winter, the salt is far too damaging. When I pay for a car service, I expect very little, other than they're there when I need them, and the drives are decent. Who's business is it, if I need to be picked up at 3am, in River North, and I'm rolling 4 deep? At any rate, it was the first and last time I will ever wait that long, or have to answer that many questions from an obnoxious driver, interested in how a 10# baby puppy is able to so easily corral runway models? Good lord. Choose them carefully. I guess it's back to the drawing board. In the meantime, I hope I can reschedule this meeting, and get my Nemesis to drive me to meet my cousin Pedro. God, I hate having to grovel to such a cretin.
I guess I'll go back to reading The Times, and press another pot of coffee.
I'm at My Nemesis' house. There are inches upon inches of white fluffy snow on the ground, with little sign of stopping. My Master and Nemesis are still sleeping; I've been awake for two hours. I had an impromptu phone call with a former employer of mine in the UK. They apparently are thinking of expanding into the US market, and offered to retain me as their sole US representative.
I'm really torn. Yes, the income would be lovely, I'm currently beginning to notice the drain in my primary bank account, the optioning of these screenplays had better happen soon. But more so than that, I left the financial services industry, and little desire to return. But, their offer was very, very attractive. I'm still thinking about this.
The real problem, though, isn't my future in international financial advising. It's snowing. I'm a tiny baby puppy, a baby puppy who is currently at odds with his car service. I simply refuse to drive my M5 in the winter, the salt is far too damaging. When I pay for a car service, I expect very little, other than they're there when I need them, and the drives are decent. Who's business is it, if I need to be picked up at 3am, in River North, and I'm rolling 4 deep? At any rate, it was the first and last time I will ever wait that long, or have to answer that many questions from an obnoxious driver, interested in how a 10# baby puppy is able to so easily corral runway models? Good lord. Choose them carefully. I guess it's back to the drawing board. In the meantime, I hope I can reschedule this meeting, and get my Nemesis to drive me to meet my cousin Pedro. God, I hate having to grovel to such a cretin.
I guess I'll go back to reading The Times, and press another pot of coffee.
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